We all have that person in our life that makes us wonder ‘what if:’
What if I had stayed? What if we didn’t fight so much? What would have happened if we’d stayed together? What if we’d tried harder?
The person who you’ll always wonder about; the one you’re afraid you’ll look back on as the one that got away.
I have that person. It was incredible, passionate, wonderful, and hard. We tried long distance for an impossibly long time, and it didn’t work out despite the best efforts of both parties. We parted as friends, albeit as friends who didn’t get the chance to say goodbye in person or face to face (thanks to the miracles of modern technology).
It’s hard for me to be happy for other people a good majority of the time, which I’m working on. So when I got an email saying that guy, the one I was so crazy for, had a new lady in his life, it was hard. It was sudden if not expected; we’ve both dated other people in the time we’ve been apart, we just didn’t talk about it.
I was shaken up at first, as you’d expect to be when any matter of new information is given to you. But I didn’t cry like I thought I might, and I didn’t feel angry or upset. Disappointed? Sure. The picture I had of this situation in my head didn’t match up with reality. But as I processed this new information throughout the day I realized that this, for as much as it may suck, is a good thing.
I can now buy a ticket with no expectations. I get to do it entirely for myself, and not because I may or may not have a boyfriend waiting for me at the airport. Instead I have wonderful friends, one of whom I happened to have dated, waiting to welcome me to a new adventure. I can make education and job choices based on exactly what I want, instead of having niggling thoughts about a relationship in my head. I found that this time I could be excited for him and his new girl, whom I hope treats him with the love and respect he absolutely deserves.
It’s hard not having a backup plan, but the thing about any relationship is that they can’t be a backup plan. Friends, family, boyfriends, or whoever else deserves to be more than just my safety net.
The key to a lovely apartment in Jordan where I spent so much time represented hope for a future; now it represents the freedom to let someone go.
Whew. Too much adulthood for one day.
I’m going to go drink my blanket fort.