Sh*t I think at work

I mean, this post could really be called ‘Sh*t we ALL think at work’ but I won’t impose my weird brain functions onto you. Anyways, here is a collection of things I thought at work this week- the stuff I managed to remember around the crushing boredom and occasional bouts of sheer panic, anyways.

‘DANCE, MONKEY, DANCE.’ In response to ANOTHER one of my projects getting cancelled a few days into me doing it (we’re like, 3/5 here), and then, after about a week and a half of not writing anything, being asked to be creative again. It’s not an on/off switch.

‘I’m like King Midas, but instead of gold everything I touch turns to sh*t.’ This has so far only applied to work (see the above cancelled projects count). So far.

‘Nutella is scientifically proven to be better than a boyfriend.’ -I stated out loud, half to my coworkers and half to the deliciously melty jar of Nutella I held in my over-caffeinated, under-sugared fingers. This was met with looks of concern.

‘Will my coworkers notice if I eat this Nutella straight out of the jar?’ Yes. Yes they will. Did it anyways.

‘When my boss says she’ll give me a new assignment ‘in a minute’ and then disappears for the rest of the day… am I still going to get fired?’ I live in constant fear of waking up without a job.

‘Man, those people really cannot park. Hey, that guy has a scooter!’ Besides the rarity of seeing a large Jordanian man disentangle himself from the confines of an electric blue moped, the government offices located within view of my office cage offer hours of entertainment in the form of people who cannot park, do not care, and do not see the point of those pesky white lines on perfectly good asphalt, thankyouverymuch.

‘My butt is solidly asleep. I should probably get up and move. Wait… foot’s asleep, too. Conundrum.’ For me, sitting in an office (despite the entertaining and not terrible view) staring at my computer for over 40 hours a week for the rest of my life may constitute a fate worse than death. And I may be going cross-eyed.

‘I swear, if I take another Buzzfeed quiz/read another dumb Thought Catalog article/check Facebook ONE more time I will quit and find a job where I can actually do some work. Oh hey look- a new Buzzfeed quiz!’ I have a serious problem.

(grimaces and mutters) ‘…my god I hate Twitter.’ For those of you in the dark about Twitter, stay there. It is a terrible and useless thing on the internet where people are convinced that other people care about what they have to say in 140 characters or less. And hashtags? Come on. #no #can’t #won’t

“Is it lunchtime yet?’ I get chips from the local market every day. Rituals.

‘What should I make for dinner?’ I really like to eat. It brings order to my existence.

‘I NEED CHOCOLATE/YOGA/CAFFEINE/CONFIDENCE/HUGS.’ Usually all of these things. At the same time. Deep breath.

‘What should I listen to today? Hhmm… let’s find some grungy ’90s Seattle music. Sleater-Kinney! That looks fun. Love me some occasionally angry lesbian rock music.’ Until my (very Muslim) boss comes in and I almost have to explain what I’m listening to. Hell is warm, ya?

‘WHY do the government employees get to go home at 3?!’ I get really jealous of the government office next door because their parking lot is empty by 3pm. Today is the start of the weekend so there’s one car in the parking lot (it’s 2:30) likely belonging to whoever the poor sucker is who pulled the short straw and has to close up shop. Poor bastard.

And, finally,

‘I should probably do some work instead of blogging. Yeah….’

Have a great weekend, everybody!

 

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