An Open Letter to My Roommate(s)

Dear Roommate(s),

We don’t know each other very well yet and, in fact, I know neither of your names. One of you is very quiet and polite, and because I’m an ass I’ve forgotten your name; the other has yet to arrive despite the start of school, and I’m going to assume you were off throwing the one ring into Mt. Doom or something of the sort.

The front door has a lock. Please use it. I have very few things, and even fewer valuable things, but I would be sad to lose even one of my precious items.

Your doors both have locks. I know because I’ve heard you struggle to open/shut them at all hours. I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it, but in the meantime…. sshh?

Because we are sans bath mat it would be preferable for you to dry off whilst in the shower, not on the bathroom floor and down the hall into your room. We don’t yet own a mopping device with which to fix the muddy footprints that inevitably result from sloppy drying technique.

Even though electricity is included in our rent, please remember to turn lights off. Save the earth.

There is a garbage can in the kitchen. It took me awhile to find it, but it’s there. Therefore the large black trash bag lurking in the corner growing larger and larger with every passing day needs to find a new home.

We are all dealing with the effects of the entire UK being filled with extra heavy, slammy fire doors. Ain’t nobody got time for that after midnight on a weekday. Close carefully.

The microwave will not clean itself. Ditto with counter tops, ovens, or the bathroom. Don’t be gross.

Someone please explain the roll of toilet paper on the kitchen table. Or remove it. Or both.

We don’t have to talk. We don’t have to like each other. But we do have to live together. Let’s try it out, shall we?



PS. I think the other roommate is moving in right now but I’m too tired/over-socialized/lazy to introduce myself. It can wait till tomorrow.


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