Yesterday (50% of my way through the Denver hostel adventure) we had a visitor named, I shit you not, Taniqua. Taniqua was a large, sassy black woman who had me in stitches about 10 seconds after she walked through the door. She had lived at the hostel for about a month and just moved to her own apartment and came back to visit some of her friends that were still in residence at this esteemed establishment. (If you couldn’t tell, this place is more halfway house than it is hostel, but there’s plenty of travelers coming through, too.)
Here are a few hilariously out of context quotes from Taniqua-
“I’m all about that life.” -referencing giving blood for money
“My doctor had missing teeth. Like, seriously? You’re a DOCTOR. They PAY you. Fix that shit, man.”
“All Denver boys got baggage. No kids? Baggage. No crazy exes? Still got baggage. Dunno what to tell you.” -all the ladies in the room, myself included, then bonded with our own true tales of man madness in Denver.
“Bitch, take a hint!” -discussing her friend’s roommate who locked him out, night after night.
“Have you heard from ‘Farts In Your Mouth’ recently?” -this statement came from Taniqua’s friend Stephanie, who is staying at the hostel. When she said this the entire room went silent and we all stared, waiting for the story that had to be told after a sentence like that. Long and disturbing story short, she dated a guy who asked her to fart in his mouth after a particularly gas-inducing dinner.
“Imma fart in your mouth but you never gonna see me again after that.” -SO that happened….
“Do you believe I haven’t smoked drugs in days?!” -Taniqua then revealed she had to take a drug test for work and would be purchasing ‘clean pee’ the next day. I failed to offer mine.
“I met a pimp and a ho yesterday.” – because of course she did.
“They’re SO noisy they make me say derogatory things about Mexicans.” -discussing her new, apparently loud housemates.
“The McDonald’s double fish filet is like two fat dudes having an orgy. I just can’t handle it and I don’t want to.”
“I met this dude the other day. Cute as hell but smelled like shit. I just wanted to give him a bath and my phone number. Like, man, it’s 9am. You havin’ a rough day.”
“Well, tomorrow I gotta fake pee in a cup, but then I’m all free.” -her schedule is pretty open, then.
“Guys! Guys! 29 cent underwear at K-Mart!” -this came from another woman, Erin, who burst through the door proudly holding her new treasures. I think 29 cent undies would either fall apart in the wash or melt in the dryer, but I won’t be experimenting anytime soon I don’t think!
“How do you just pop out of yo mama’s vagina lookin’ like you gotta pay a mortgage?!” -talking about her friend’s baby, who did indeed look like he had a very old soul. Many comments were made about this child few of which I can remember, but all were hilarious.
Ooof. Sometimes life in the hostel is hilarious. And unexplainable. And weird. Oh well. Tomorrow I’m out, y’all! Belfast here I come…